Target: LOCKED

I HAVE SECURED A DATE WITH A REAL LIVE LADY!


ZOMG, it’s starting. As I have talked about earlier, I have been chatting with a selection of usernames / avatars over the last two weeks.


But I have now managed to convince one of these internet personas to meet with me in a situation of real live human interaction. She has agreed to meet me on Sunday at a specified location and time to consume beverages and converse. We are going to sit together and talk face-to-face about important things. This is an exciting prospect. Would you like to know who it is? Which lucky lady will receive the honour of date number 1? You maybe don’t but I’m going to tell you anyway.


It’s NATASHA!

This is most likely not the Natasha I am dating. This is Natasha Lyonne.

She is in a funny film called ‘But I’m a cheerleader’. 

As far as I know she lives in LA.

I would like to tell you all about her but I have not met her yet, so I can’t. Instead, here are the Top 5 things I do know about Natasha.


Top 5: Natasha


1. We have already covered that her name is Natasha. 
2. She is four years older than I am. In case you are bad at maths, that means she is 30. This is fine, I do not discriminate by age. I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE 30.
3. Natasha, or Nat as I like to call her, used to work in a job that made her money. She decided she did not like it and decided to go back to Uni and study some more. She is just about to graduate with a degree in business. I STUDIED BUSINESS TOO. This is perhaps a good sign? Or perhaps not, there were a lot of w*nkers on my course at Uni and I don’t think I remember anything I learned there anyway. We’ll see.
4. She lives in the West End of Glasgow. I do not live there, but I like it a lot.
5. Natasha likes to be outdoors. I have not decided how I feel about this yet. I like to be outdoors too, but only for short periods of time. I will not climb a hill for fun. I will not sleep in a tent unless forced.


I will let you know how it goes. EXCITED.

Hi, my name is...

So it turns out, meeting people on the internet is weird. And it’s hard. I’m not sure if I’m doing it right. Is there a right way to do it?


So far I have exchanged words and sentences with three separate ladies. At least I am assuming they are ladies. There’s really no way to be sure as of yet but I’m working on an honour system for now. Anyway, I have been sending and receiving messages over the internet in some sort of attempt at conversation in the hopes this will lead to an actually face-to-face encounter. It’s weird though.


It’s not the internet part that’s weird. Best Friend Nora and I exchange emails several times a day in order to relieve the monotony of work and I have no problem holding a conversation through my keyboard. From taking some time out and travelling I now have friends and acquaintances in several other countries across the world with whom I manage to keep in touch on a somewhat regular basis. I have 109 friends on Facebook whom I have tagged, messaged, ‘liked’ and all that stuff. (Never poked though, I don’t understand this feature and refuse to use it). I have commented on countless articles on Autostraddle and even engaged in repartee with other readers constituting of more than: ‘THIS’, ‘WIN’, or ‘<3’.


Talking to someone over the internet is not the problem. I love the internet. I’m considerably better at communicating through written word than I am at actually opening my mouth and speaking to someone when stuff like nerves get in the way and I end up rambling incessantly about my favourite pizza topping or something. Emailing / texting / messaging usually gives my brain time to process and my capacity for delightful, witty banter increases by about 75%. So why is this online dating stuff so hard?


I think the problem is the complete lack of context. There’s no reason to believe I have anything in common with any of these people. Other than, you know, the GAY and I’m not sure that’s enough. What do we talk about? Questions like: ‘What do you do? Where are you from? Do you have brothers and sisters?’ seem strangely formal and exceptionally inane. Like a job interview. I almost expect to be asked: ‘So Luna, please can you give me an example of a time in your previous relationship when you have demonstrated innovation and flexibility?’ ‘Well, have you tried scissoring? It’s not easy!’ And I don’t really care about the answers anyway. Unless the answer is ‘sells drugs to kids’ or ‘gangster pimp’, what someone does for a living isn’t really going to have that much of an impact on whether or not I like them. ‘Professional billionaire’ may also provoke strong feelings of a different kind but I’m not getting my hopes up.


Meeting new people is often awkward (and if you are like me, it’s pretty much ALWAYS awkward) but at least in real life you have things to distract you. Things happen around you that you can observe and discuss. If there happens to be a lull in the conversation you can’t talk about how cute/ rude the waitress is, you can spy on the people at the table beside you and make up a story about them, you can say ‘oh I like this song playing now’ and talk about music, and most importantly of all you can DRINK. Alcohol can make almost any awkward situation seem better. At least until the next morning.


So what do I do? I’m going to strive on with this quest regardless of the uncomfortable messaging because I do really feel like it’s going to be worth it.