DONE!

Hey! Remember on Tuesday when I was really scared? I was really nervous about going on a date and I listed all the things I thought could go wrong? Remember? There was awkwardness and kicking kittens and Gaga. Well, guess what? I was right. Well not about the kittens, but about the rest of it. It wasn’t good. We had almost nothing in common and there was zero chemistry and I have no desire to see her ever again. But guess what else? I survived. I didn’t die or anything!


I want to make it clear that Natasha was not a bad person. She was a perfectly nice human being and while I in no way want to see her again, I wish her well in the world. I’m certain it’s not a one-sided thing either. I’m 101% positive I will not be hearing from her. The poor standard of our date was not the fault of either of us individually but simply a result of us being two entirely different people who do not like any of the same things or think the same thoughts. The only thing we both like is girls. Not all girls though because we didn’t really like each other.


I thought I would give you some examples of conversations we had so you see for yourself. I have added in my own personal thoughts so you can really get a feel for it. Imagine you are there with us:


Nat: I just got back from a holiday.
Me: Oh really? [Great! I love to travel. I love hearing about other people’s travels.]   
        Where did you go?
Nat: Banff.
Me: In Canada? I’ve been there!
Nat: No, Banff in Scotland.
Me: Oh right. Yeah.  I forgot we had one of them right here. That’s Aberdeenshire, yeah? 
Nat: Yeah.
Me: Cool. Who did you go away with?
Nat: My parents.
Me: [trying to hide horror. I love my parents, but I’d rather scratch my own face off than 
        go on holiday with them. I think it says something about someone if they can go on  
        holiday with their parents. Not a bad thing. In fact maybe it’s a good thing. I think it 
        says you are mature and probably very easy going. However, it probably also says that 
        the person is not like me at all.] Oh right. Was that fun?
Nat: I guess.
Me: What did you do there?
Nat: We walked 120 miles. 
Me: On purpose?
Nat: Yes. On walking trails. 
Me: What was at the end of the trail?
Nat: More trails.
Me: Was someone chasing you?
Nat: No, it’s for fun.
Me: Okay. What else did you do?
Nat: Saw some castles. There are lots of castles in Aberdeenshire.
Me: Like Hogwarts?!
Nat: No.


And of course, the hating Our Lady Gaga. I wasn’t making that up.


Me: [BORN THIS WAY starts playing in the bar] Oh, it’s the new Gaga. Do you like it? it 
        took me while but I’ve decided I do as long as I ignore the lyrics.
Nat: I hate Lady Gaga. [She just said it like that. Like it was a completely acceptable thing   
        to say. I hate lady gaga. I also hate sunshine, rainbows and unicorns.]
Me: [Shocked.] Oh. Oh... I love her. 
Nat: Really?
Me: Yes!
Nat: Oh. I think she’s a hack. It’s all show and she just copies Madonna.
Me: [resisting urge to launch into a dramatic monologue on the wonder that is Gaga. This 
        is not the time / place.] Umm, okay. What kind of music do you like?
Nat: I’m really into the Errors just now.
Me: [excited!] Oh! I’ve heard of them. I don’t know any of their music though.
Nat: I also love Single Cell Paramecium and the Image Monkey. [I may have made those 
        names up, but you get the idea]
Me: [less excited] Oh. I don’t know who they are.


You get the idea. It was pretty bad. This was not a successful date. At all.


The thing is though, in a way it was the best thing that could have happened. All the things I was worried about totally came true AND IT WAS STILL FINE. The world didn’t end at all. I spent four hours in the company of a person I had never met before and will most likely never see again and THAT WAS IT. That’s the worst that can happen. That’s not scary at all. You know when you eat a packet of Revels and you get a coffee one first and you’re like “ew! Coffee, that’s the worst!” but then after that all the rest seem even more delicious because they are not coffee? And then by the end of the pack you don’t even mind the coffee ones because you got used to them? I think that’s how this is going to be. Any date that goes at all well is going to seem awesome because it wasn’t as awful as that Tuesday of Awkardness and even the bad ones will be ok because I’ve survived them before. You know?

Hold me, I’m scared

So much has happened since I last posted, I can't even. I'm just going to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. My date with Natasha was cancelled (by me) due to unforeseen circumstances. It's back on now though. In fact, it's happening today. And i'm somewhat freaking out.


I think I may have made a huge mistake.  This was a bad idea. It is early (ish) in the morning. Earlier than I have been awake on a day i don't have to go to work in a very long time anyway, but I can’t sleep anymore. If I can’t sleep, I know there is something seriously wrong. I haven’t attempted breakfast yet, but if I have trouble eating, it means the apocalypse is approaching. Either way, I do not feel good. 


I’m scared. I am going on this date in less than eight hours and I’m scared. I feel like there are a lot of things could go wrong. What if we have nothing in common? What if we disagree on everything ever? What is she hates Lady Gaga? Or Harry Potter? What if she kicks kittens for fun? What if she thinks I’m just a weirdo? Whats if she's right about that?


You see, I may have a tendency to not make the best first impression. This may come as a surprise to you, because of the sparkling witty banter I've dispensed here so far, but on first meeting I do not always come across as the totally awesome superstar that I am. I’m an acquired taste, I guess, like coffee or fine wine. The people who know me the best, love me. But when I meet new people, I don’t know what happens. I often involuntarily lapse into varying levels of complete social ineptitude. I oscillate between talking to fast and not being able to think of anything at all to say, my hands wave around uncontrollably when I tell a story, I stumble over words, I make erratic eye contact and my face turns bright red really easily. Basically, it's not pretty.


I have tried at several points in my life to beat this thing. To play it cool, act aloof, to exude a calm confidence that is rooted in an unwavering belief in my own awesomeness.  The thing is though, confidence is sexy when it is real. When you’re pretending, you just seem like you’re pretending. Or at least I do. I inevitably seem to end up coming off as a pretentious b*tch. Which I’m really not. I have a lot of flaws but that isn’t one of them, I promise.


To me nothing is sexier than when someone just seems like themselves. Like they are not trying to be anything other than just them and they don’t mind what you think. So maybe I should try that. Just be my socially awkward self and hope that someone is going to find that charming.


I don’t know. Freaking out.


I really don’t know how to finish this post, because I don’t really have a point other than: I HAVE FEELINGS. I’m going to call Best Friend Nora and see if she has any advice.

[ETA: I got Best Friend Nora’s voicemail so she has not been able to offer advice and I’m still panicking. I did manage to force down some Special K Red Berries, so it looks like the day of reckoning is not imminent after all. Rest easy people.]