Hold me, I’m scared

So much has happened since I last posted, I can't even. I'm just going to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. My date with Natasha was cancelled (by me) due to unforeseen circumstances. It's back on now though. In fact, it's happening today. And i'm somewhat freaking out.


I think I may have made a huge mistake.  This was a bad idea. It is early (ish) in the morning. Earlier than I have been awake on a day i don't have to go to work in a very long time anyway, but I can’t sleep anymore. If I can’t sleep, I know there is something seriously wrong. I haven’t attempted breakfast yet, but if I have trouble eating, it means the apocalypse is approaching. Either way, I do not feel good. 


I’m scared. I am going on this date in less than eight hours and I’m scared. I feel like there are a lot of things could go wrong. What if we have nothing in common? What if we disagree on everything ever? What is she hates Lady Gaga? Or Harry Potter? What if she kicks kittens for fun? What if she thinks I’m just a weirdo? Whats if she's right about that?


You see, I may have a tendency to not make the best first impression. This may come as a surprise to you, because of the sparkling witty banter I've dispensed here so far, but on first meeting I do not always come across as the totally awesome superstar that I am. I’m an acquired taste, I guess, like coffee or fine wine. The people who know me the best, love me. But when I meet new people, I don’t know what happens. I often involuntarily lapse into varying levels of complete social ineptitude. I oscillate between talking to fast and not being able to think of anything at all to say, my hands wave around uncontrollably when I tell a story, I stumble over words, I make erratic eye contact and my face turns bright red really easily. Basically, it's not pretty.


I have tried at several points in my life to beat this thing. To play it cool, act aloof, to exude a calm confidence that is rooted in an unwavering belief in my own awesomeness.  The thing is though, confidence is sexy when it is real. When you’re pretending, you just seem like you’re pretending. Or at least I do. I inevitably seem to end up coming off as a pretentious b*tch. Which I’m really not. I have a lot of flaws but that isn’t one of them, I promise.


To me nothing is sexier than when someone just seems like themselves. Like they are not trying to be anything other than just them and they don’t mind what you think. So maybe I should try that. Just be my socially awkward self and hope that someone is going to find that charming.


I don’t know. Freaking out.


I really don’t know how to finish this post, because I don’t really have a point other than: I HAVE FEELINGS. I’m going to call Best Friend Nora and see if she has any advice.

[ETA: I got Best Friend Nora’s voicemail so she has not been able to offer advice and I’m still panicking. I did manage to force down some Special K Red Berries, so it looks like the day of reckoning is not imminent after all. Rest easy people.]